“What do you want for dinner?”
“I don’t care. What do you want?”
Who else hates this conversation??? This is a good indicator that maybe things are stuck in a rut. When things get stagnant and stuck in my life I begin to feel like I am going to explode if things don’t start to move and grow. This can be in any facet of life: work, family, relationships, personal growth, finances, etc. But as a sex therapist I want to talk about your intimate relationships.
There is something so beautiful and safe about being in a long-term relationship. However, once you manage to create this safe and sacred space you and your partner run the risk of monotony. There is a very fine line between secure attachment within a relationship and boredom. The trick is in creating a safe container for an adventurous relationship to be held in. Make sense? Here are some pointers:
Do you know that first couple of weeks when you begin a new job? You don’t really know what to do, what is expected of you and how to fill your time. After a couple of weeks, you begin to get into the swing of things and create a rhythm. This is the sweet spot. It can last anywhere from a month to years. Eventually, things become monotonous and robotic. It’s the same way with sex in a long-term relationship. As humans, we find what is comfortable (and what works!) and we stick to it. But after a while we tend to go through the motions without truly being present.
One of the most obvious ways to inject a little adventure into your sex is to shake things up. Try something new! A new sexual position. Maybe switching up locations to the couch (or the kitchen counter!). Take turns initiating. Try a new toy or buy some new lingerie- anything to bring a little energy and life into the same old, same old.
Slowing down to notice pleasurable things about our partner can be helpful. As a Certified Yoga Instructor, this is something that I guide my students to do throughout their practice. There are only so many yoga poses- it can get boring. But your body changes with every breath that you take. So, if you slow down and tune into your body and surroundings you can always notice a new sensation or nuance in any moment. Making eye contact or holding hands during foreplay or while having sex can be extremely intimate and help you remain in the present moment.
All of these things can feel a bit awkward and unsexy at the beginning, because it is new and unknown. With some trust in yourself and your partner you can explore this newness together and build an exciting and interesting intimate life together.