New Year, New... Sex Life

 Photo by AlexRaths/iStock / Getty Images

Photo by AlexRaths/iStock / Getty Images

Lose Weight, Get More Sleep, Pay Off My Credit Cards, Drink more Water, Eat Healthier.... Sound familiar? 'Tis the Season, right? How many of you make a New Year's Resolution on January 1st only to find that by February 1st you have already severely disappointed yourself. Maybe the problem isn't you. Maybe the problem is the resolution. Not that any of these things are goals we shouldn't aim to reach, but they aren't exactly fun. What if, this year, you (and your partner) were to make a resolution regarding your relationship- or even your sex life? The following are a few New Years resolution options. Pick and choose. Be creative. And most importantly push yourself out of your comfort zone- because this is where real growth happens.

  1. Focus on giving (and receiving). This is the season for giving and receiving, isn't it? So why not let the holiday spirit spread a little joy in the bedroom. For many of us, receiving pleasure can be an uncomfortable experience. Maybe we were taught (by parents, society, exes, and so on... ) that we weren't supposed to enjoy sex, or there is shame in pleasure. Let me tell you a little secret: pleasure is a human right. Everyone deserves to feel good. Giving yourself permission to pleasure yourself or to allow a partner to make you feel good is such a freeing experience. Relax, breathe and notice what feels pleasurable. If you're with a partner give verbal direction of what feels good and what doesn't. If you're alone take some deep breaths, be present, and notice what feels good to you. Additionally, giving pleasure to a partner can be just as rewarding as receiving. Ask directions. Be curious and have some fun. 
  2. Make time for  sex. Whether you are single, dating or in a committed relationship, or anywhere in between, it is so important to prioritize sex. For many people sex is one of the first things that falls by the wayside when we become busy or stressed with work and  life. Set aside some time to commit to connecting with yourself or a partner. Try carving out 30 minutes a day or an hour a week (whatever you can manage). Switch your phones into "do not disturb" mode. Talk to your partner, or write in a journal. Take turns giving and receiving massages. Take a nice long shower or bubble bath. Whether it leads to an orgasm or not this time spent focused on being mindful will help you feel centered and connected. 
  3. Create space for sex. The concept of setting the scene is such an important yet overlooked element of a great sex life. Its not very sexy to masturbate while you have the 10 o'clock news blaring in the background. Or to make love with your partner with dirty dishes next to the bed. Straighten up your room. Turn off the TV. Light some candles. Put on some sexy music. Try to tap into all of your senses. Is what you are smelling pleasurable to you? Do your sheets feel good against your skin? Is there clutter around the room reminding you of all of the things on your to do list? Take some time and create a sensual setting to increase arousal.
  4. Be open minded. Remember earlier when I said that the space outside of your comfort zone is where the magic happens? Well it's true! Trying something new in the bedroom can help you to build trust with your partner, discover some new things that you can add into your repertoire, and help you to keep learning about yourself (which is the point of life, right?) Whether you like your new endeavor or not, you learn. Try reading some erotica. Explore your fantasies- if you don't have any work on building a fantasy. Buy a deck of sex position cards and play around with some new acrobatics. The worst that can happen is that you won't enjoy it. But maybe you will...

In order to make real change in our lives (no matter how big or small) its important that we have motivation and curiosity regarding our resolution. Entering into a personal contract with resentment and negativity will only set you up for failure. Allow yourself to move towards your goals with inquisitiveness and amazement. Give yourself permission to explore and expand your sex life. Happy New Year!