Initiating Sex


We’ve all been there. Lying in bed, about to call it a night and realize it’s been… (ahem) awhile since you’ve had sex with your partner. So, you look at them and say “should we have sex?” Let me start by saying: there is absolutely nothing wrong with this! Sometimes sex is just maintenance sex… sometimes. Allowing sex to have different roles in your relationship is important and keeps it from becoming boring and routine. Sex can be a stress reliever, allow you to process emotions (grief/sadness/anger/joy), connect you to your partner, connect you to yourself, be hot, be romantic, be naughty… anything you can imagine.


When I mention this to clients I tend to get the same question: “but how do we start? It’s so awkward”.  When sex becomes routine it also becomes exceedingly more awkward to try something new. So how do we initiate the sex we really want (and need)?


Step 1:

Be clear about what you and your partner like

Sit with your partner and write down the hottest sexual experiences you and your partner have had. Identify similarities and explore things that turn you on, as well as, things that turn you off. Think about it- your partner can do 13 things to turn you on- the massage, the candles, the lingerie, etc., but if they are doing 1 thing that turns you off, the mood flies out the window! Figure out ways to implement the turn-ons into your sexual choreography!

*Side note: If there is something that you experienced with another partner that really turned you on, DO NOT say “Well, Sally used to do ____________”. Instead, say “I think I would love it if you did _________________”. See the difference?


Step 2:

Lighten up

Sex is just sex. We build it up to be this huge thing, when in reality it is just body parts touching. So, having a little playfulness during sex is not only fun, but also reduces the anxiety that tends to be present during the initiation phase of sex. It’s okay to be flirty with your S.O.! And the more laughter, the more fun!


Step 3:

Don’t be Afraid

I have had clients tell me, on more than one occasion, “I’ve been rejected before. There is no way I am putting myself out there again”. I get it! Being rejected sucks! Being rejected when you are in a very vulnerable situation really sucks! But just like any other situation, we can’t just give in. Try and understand why our partner turned down sex (and realizing just that- they turned down sex, not you!).

{This means actually having a conversation about it- not rolling over and pouting}.

Sex is so contextual. We have to remember that our partner doesn’t have to say “yes” just because you are propositioning them. So, take a deep breath and try again.


Step 4:

Just Do It!

How many times have you thought, “I could have sex tonight…” or “I could be in the mood…” just to talk yourself out of it? Try not to do this. Pounce on those moments when there is even the slightest inkling of desire. Women do not experience arousal the same way that men do. So the smallest amount of desire at the beginning can grow into hot and heavy passion. Just do it! You won’t regret it.